Next Time, Sedation Dentistry

Dear Dental Hygienist:

Thanks for humming a little tune as you scraped the living shit out of my gums today. It's always nice to have some music while you watch the copious amounts of blood going through the suction machine. And I appreciated the tiny amount of topical anesthetic you put on there, which brought the pain down to a nice stabbing level, rather than the intense misery I felt last time.

Am I getting old and decrepit, or are you just a hardass? My previous cleanings were simple affairs. Sure, there might have been a tiny bit of bleeding, and I always got a lecture about not flossing enough, but I never felt like crying before. Why am I reminded of Martin Amis when I visit you?

You might think that I would resolve to change my ways and start taking better care of my teeth, but I think we both know that's not going to happen. So start sharpening up those pokey tools and stock up on gauze. My inflamed gums and I will be back to see you in January.

Love,
Jennifer

Tags: dentist, martin amis, oral hygiene