I went to the USC Dental School today for a checkup on my new nightguard, which I wear at night to protect my teeth from clenching. All over the waiting room were signs that said "Saliva Study." A few dental students in scrubs were sitting around and one of their classmates came by.

Students: Hey, how's it goin'?
Classmate: Good, you hear for the spit?
Students: Yeah
Classmate: So, is it, like, drool, or are you hockin' a loogie?

There was a TV showing a continuous loop of educational dental information. One clip was of a lady sitting in a dental chair. Some porcelain veneers on the tray beside her began to dance and then flew through the air into her mouth, giving her a gleaming new smile full of chiclet teeth. One was of a chimp getting his teeth cleaned. Another showed a daddy dog demonstrating all the dental appliances and tools to his son (not a cartoon, real life trained dogs and chimps). It all seemed rather unsanitary if you ask me.

I finally went in and saw my doctor, who is a lovely man who for some reason insists on calling me George. "So, George, how are you today? How are you doing with the appliance?" "Please open your mouth George." "George, I want you to come back in three months."

Not sure why they needed to measure it, but my blood pressure was 117/79. Not half bad considering I haven't exercised strenuously in months. It's all in the genes, people. Don't let anyone tell you different.