Dear Buckethead:

Why can't you shit IN your litterbox, rather than just outside it, in the bathtub? Is your ass so big that you can't fit in the tray? And while we're at it, try covering up the shit with litter. That's what it's for. I'm sick of the noxious smells wafting through the apartment if I don't pick up your turds within nanoseconds of your morning BM.

I don't mean to compare you to your sister, but Bootyquake has no problem with neatly burying her crap piles with litter. Sure, she lacks modesty (she'll squeeze out a good one while I'm doing my makeup), but at least she knows the rules.

If the three of us are going to have to share a bathroom, I’m going to have to ask you to be a bit more courteous. Rule #1: The shit goes in the litter box. Rule #2: All waste products should be immediately buried with litter. Rule #3: Shake the litter off your feet before tracking it all over the bathroom. I can't tell you how many times I day I have to pick a piece of crystal cat litter off my foot or out of my shoe. It's gross! If CSI came to our house and looked for fecal matter, I'm sure Grissom would find it smeared over every surface.

We can do better than that.

For my part, I promise to clean the box out as often as possible, because I know you enjoy a clean slate to work with. I'll vacuum up the litter whenever I can. I'll also comb you more often, but only if you promise to sit still. I can't chase you all over the apartment with a comb while you purr and rub yourself on the bookshelves.

Deal?

Love,
Mom